Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am puke
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
not ubering you a puppy
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
