Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
