Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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