So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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