o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
