a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
