you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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