She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
