why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
