I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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