I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
