she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
