Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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