Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
