I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
