im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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