remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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