DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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