I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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