It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
