I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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