mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I did not marry a roomba.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
