do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
