My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize