I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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