Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize