I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
