i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
