Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
