I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
