the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
