I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
