my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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