I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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