Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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