Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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