I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
