my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
