I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
