I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
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