I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
