so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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