So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
