Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
