ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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