Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
