Porn is love you can see.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
