Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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