Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
