I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
