The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
