I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize