I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
