she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
