someone threw a dead crab at me
I understand Curling. That high.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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