hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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