I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
