i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
