**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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