Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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