He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
