i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
