after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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