rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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