I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
