The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
