Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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