I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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