What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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