Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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