what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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