I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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