R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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