I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i drank out of a bidet.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
