8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize