I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
