Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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