did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
