he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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