I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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