Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
