1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
