I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
