matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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